Friendship and Discipleship for Men

Marriage - Not What I Prayed It Would Be

One of the big sources of suffering in my life is that the vision of what I thought marriage would be became deflated and I became bitter and disappointed once I got married - last May.

My wife is a God-fearing woman, but if I were to do it over again, I probably would have dated much longer and sought to find someone I was more compatible with. We fight daily, and my wife's issues are a constant.

I've been depressed probably 75% of the time I've been married, and even stopped going to the pastor who married us for marriage counseling. My wife hates reaching out for help herself, and is by and large a hermit, while I'm a social butterfly.

Yet, somehow, the Lord prospers us, despite our marriage being a rushed event that for all practical purposes I should have entered into with more caution and prayer, if at all. Now that I'm married, and made that committment, I can't look back and wish it were different - although I find myself doing this regularly, especially after we fight or I get the squirrels running in my head.

As a result, lust and acting out have escalated in the last month or two. Mostly, it's not online stuff, but idolizing and lusting after women at work, fantasizing not only about being with them sexually but about how much easier it would be than being with my very antisocial wife, because they "live like everyone else."

I'm probably deluded about that idea that the "other" women is "normal" in the first place. But here I am, stuck with my wife all day, in a blizzard, and can't attend my regular Samson Society meeting because it's snowed out.

Guys, my life has been tough and scripture and prayer has definitely gotten me (and us) through so much of the hard times. But I gotta tell you, my faith has been tested and my soul tried more than at any other time in my life, due to the temptation to run away to unrighteousness (so-called "worldly freedom").

I know running away from my wife isn't the answer. It's just that I'm miserable in my living situation with her. I need prayer, I need scriptures that can address this. I've only been a Christian for 2 years and have been married for 1. I want to get closer to the Lord, despite my temptation to do my own thing.

Thanks brothers for reading this. I will share more in time - there are other heartbreaking issues that are central to my marriage I have not mentioned in this post.

In Him,

Nils

▶ Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Sammy H on February 6, 2010 at 10:45am: Wow brother do I ever feel your pain.

I too at times have wondered, why me Lord, why did I have to fall in love with her, and her baggage... The worldly view would be for me to leave her, so I can pursue MY interests, needs, wants and desires...

But here is what keeps coming back to me, is MAYBE it is more than about me. Maybe part of MY work here on earth is to be her comforter, best friend. That GOD has placed me in her life (AND HER IN MINE) because we are exactly the right person for each other?

NO ONE else would put up with the crap that I do with her (sound familiar?) Again, that still small voice, could be God, could just be my own heart, is....ok if that is true, doesn't that mean I am uniquely suited for exactly that purpose then?

I don't have a pithy scripture to point you to... ALL I have is the fact that brother, your post RESOUNDS in my life and man do I understand what you are saying.

We will be married now 10 years in June.... and I plan on staying with her the rest of my life. EVERY once in a while, I feel selfish and stumble (I stumbled THIS WEEK) but then I spoke with her about my current frustrations and she is going to work with me on THEM!!

Because SHE loves me... she is willing to try, ALL I had to do was ask!! TO say, hon this is what is bothering me... THIS is the key to MY heart, I am giving it to you...

She is insecure, she worries that I will leave her for someone else, and that is because I put that fear in her heart, only I can remove it over time, with trust...

Again, I don't have an answer for you, all I am saying is we are walking down the same path.

If it helps at all, she would not do anything with MY friends for years... part of that was insecurity, etc. I don't know that we started doing anything with them until the last 3-4 years now!! Maybe once or twice a year, but finally, here we are 10 years later and we are hosting a MONTHLY party/game night with them, they finally became her friends too.

Nils, I am praying for you...pray for me too...; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Fred Miller on February 6, 2010 at 2:16pm: Col. 3:19 says Husbands, Love Your Wives, And Be Not Bitter Against Them" Not a easy thing for sure but I am finding that my Father is willing to be a partner in helping me with this. We went to a marriage seminar awhile back and they talked about Jimmy and Timmy being on the same baseball team. They asked Jimmy if he could win a game and Timmy loose the game. He said no because we are on the same team. They talked about marriage becoming a win win for husband and wife when they get on the same team. We don't have to do it alone and I am becoming more thankful for this all of the time.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jay S on February 7, 2010 at 12:24pm: Nils, your story resonates with me and my situation. I have had much the same struggle in my marriage.

In May, I will have been married for 19 years. I have been a Christian for most of my life. My spirit has slumbered for most of my life. What I mean is that I spent many years lying to myself and withdrawing from her. I made decisions and mistakes that led me down the road that you fear.

You are doing the right thing reaching out. If you don't have a Silas relationshsip, get one and talk this out...stay in community and don't isolate, and ask God to reveal to you what the truth is so that your thinking does not become warped.

Look at these verses:

I Cor 6:18, Ecclisiastes 5:7, Proverbs 2:12-18, Proverbs 5, Ecclesiates 7:25-26, and most especially, Proverbs 3:5-6; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by roy mercer on March 2, 2010 at 8:54pm: Hello man, I know exactly how you feel. I always had the grandiose ideas of married life, I wanted to meet one girl in my life and stay with her forever. I think it's so important to find someone that you have life interest and are very compatible, unfortunately alot of times opposites attract and it appears to work well for a while, then it falls apart. I love adventure, nature, traveling, exploring new cultures and just the excitement of discovery, the average routine married life, of working a dead end job doing the same routine day in and day out over and over again, for 30 years, living in the same community is what i consider insanity, and not living. It's like being a horse tide to a pole that walks in circles, it's a horse but it doesn't have much of a life. Anyways, I rushed into the first marriage I had first off thinking I was doing the right thing, when all along I was just being the sacrifical lamb, didn't work out so well. Now I've got involved with another girl and I'm really thinking I rushed into this as well. I have a very difficult time setting up parameters or boundaries, I also have a very difficult time respecting my opinion and feelings on relationships and acting accordingly. From listening to your post, you married hoping the relationship would contribute to your life, not take away, you expected the relationship to bring you a sense of fulfillment, and you expected the relationship to bring happiness and satisfaction to your life. The reality is, the relationship and situation your in, has brought into your life everything but those qualities you were searching for in your life. Sounds like the relationship is creating, dysfunction, regret, dissatifcation and pain in your life. There's no worse place in life my friend than being married and feeling isolated and alone, it's one thing if your single, but to be married and be in that situation sucks, and unless you've been there, you have no idea. For myself, I married to find intamcy and companionship, but I'm not sure marriage really breeds those qualities most the time. I think that marriage is primary for procreation, the continuous of life on this earth. I think your alot like me, you wanted someone, but you didn't know yourself well enough to know, that yes, this is acceptable and nope, I don't want that kind of girl to be apart of my life at all. I've also found that its so much easier to keep someone out of your life, than to allow them into your life then try to get them to leave. I also hear in your post, that you feel stuck, sounds like your feeling that because of this relationship and situation your in with your wife, that you will never be allowed to reach your full potential in life. The fact is, your choices made your life what it is today, and your choices will be the one's that change your life. I've always believed that God provision is the consequences of our choices alot of times. That's another thing I'm hearing, the fact that your unsatisfied with the results of your choices and decisions in life for a partner. Your frustrated, disappointed, angry, resentful, so what are you willing to do different now sense your at this place and position in life?

In Christ, David; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by roy mercer on March 2, 2010 at 8:58pm: Doesn't it suck, hine site being 20/20. If you could have looked through the fog years ago and seen the road ahead for you, how differently you'd behaved and choosen?; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jim S on March 3, 2010 at 10:59am: I too have felt many of the things you feel brother. The Lord paired me up with someone my opposite in many ways. For the first few years I was kicking myself saying "you sure did blow it this time". P0rn ruled my life and looking back I believe that it exacerbated the problems with our marriage.

With time I have changed though, all the things that I thought so wonderful about her when we dated have started coming back to me. We have found room in our marriage to live our own lives. I am much more social and she is a homebody. She doesn't have a problem with me pursuing relationships with my male friends and has seen how important it is to me. We have been married for 11 years now and I can honestly say that I am learning to love her more every day. She is my perfect partner. And she has stuck with me through all my failures. Now I can't live without her and fear that God will take her away just when things are starting to turn around.

It helps that all those girls that I lust after are just old enough to be my daughters. Most of the women my age look like crap but my wife still looks pretty darn good for her age. I have come to appreciate that more as well.

When you are in the state you are in now it's easy to focus on the negatives. I'll pray that the Lord helps you to start seeing some positive things.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Fred Miller on March 5, 2010 at 9:18am: I was reading in the Old Testament and it said that the 1st year of marriage the husband spent his time learning to please his wife and to take on no other obligations. I have not found anything specific that the wife is told to do the 1st year that is not required throughout the marriage. Maybe if we went into marriage with this mind set we would really seek God more in this whole area. I have a friend that set a note out requesting people to reply with what they have learned in marriage. There may have been 1 or 2 responses out of 40 or 50 that a man said I learned to please my wife. I guess I find this this thought very challenging.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Bob on March 5, 2010 at 12:54pm: I just attended a "Love and Respect" marriage conference. It answered a lot of questions and problems in my life. I believe they have a book also.

Bob; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by roy mercer on March 5, 2010 at 6:38pm: I think that most marriage problems arise from love and respect not being mutual, the relationship turns into something else. People I think in general just get tired of the push/pull dynamic of marriage; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Leonard V. on March 7, 2010 at 4:19pm: Hey Nils,

Thanks for your post. I have feelings for you and your situation. I have been there. My first marriage is an absolute picture of your situation. I will tell you my friend the "worldly freedom" you look to does not work.

Being in recovery for a while now I have learned a couple of things.
1. My relationship with my wife has nothing to do with my sobriety, walk with God, or my ability to be tempted. It is only until I stopped "performing" that I found a great freedom in my life. When my sobriety was for me and my relationship with God did real freedom come.
2. I was not placed on this earth to make another person happy, fulfilled, have purpose, find true love, serve and a host of other words that we often believe that we are responsible for with other people like our wife. We are hear for one purpose and that is our relationship with God. There is a forum on what is the purpose of humans. Had some really good thought.

Until I realized those things did my life begin to feel true freedom.

One exercise that really helped me was to say goodbye to the "vision" that I had of marriage. Let it go. Let that image go and then let God form a new image based upon many of the scriptures that others have mentioned. As long as we hang on to an image that we have or that the world has we will be disappointed the rest of our lives.

Thanks for the post. It was great to see you being so honest about how you feel about your marriage. I know that for many years I could never be so honest because people would think that I was not a good man or whatever. Just more BS that the world and sometimes church gives us. Hang in there man.; ▶ Reply to This