Trevor, I used this analogy once before on this website, but think of it this way: What would you do if you told your daughter NOT to do something, perhaps several times, but then one day she did it anyway, and REALLY hurt herself? Are you going to get mad at her and scold her, or are you going to pick her up and hold her as her sweet and salty tears fall onto your shoulder until the pain has passed? There is obviously consequences for her actions, but the love you have for her is still unwavering, right? You don't love her less, and in fact, just the opposite. We have to think of God as a smiling, proud and happy Father who is LONGING for you to reach out to him, man. You can start growing closer to Him by praising Him. Try putting on some praise music and just talking to Him, and thanking Him. Praise Him for being God, for sending His son, for the fact that you're still alive, and for directing you to our mighty band of brothers here at the Samson Society. We are a group who understands the loss and pain of addiction, and even though none of us have all the answers, we can all throw in our two cents worth and attempt to reach out to you as a hurting comrade in arms. I know it sounds strange to say 'start by praising Him,' but I am going through a major bout of depression right now, as well as daily fighting off my own porn addiction, and the Lord has shown me that I rediscover my smile when I am in the midst of praising Him.
As for the restoration of your family, NOTHING is impossible with God (Luke 1:37), and we as brothers will pray our precious Savior will mend broken hearts. God is in the business of mending fences. Just tell yourself you can do all things through Christ who gives you the strength (Philippians 4:13), and then don't be afraid to accept His love and forgiveness.
You feel down and out right now, but what God wants is for you to come running to Him as a child after a fall. The LAST thing He wants to do is knock you down further. Note these words from Isaiah:
Isaiah 42:3 (New Life Version)
3 He will not break a broken branch or put out a little fire. He will be faithful to make everything fair.
The NIV says he will not break a bruised reed. You are bruised right now, and it's not in God's nature to finish the job. He doesn't want to break you, even if He DOES use circumstances to humble us and bring us to our knees at times. I have fallen so many times I can't count, but God finally got it through my thick skull that He loves me. I obviously can't just keep sinning flippantly, and thus taking God's forgiveness for granted (as the Apostle Paul says, "God Forbid!"), but I can come boldly to the throne of heaven when I DO fall, and walk away secure in the fact that God has washed away my transgressions.
Talk to God. Praise Him. And then latch onto a brother or 2 here in the group, and believe God for a miracle. Wake up every day and realize you are NOT perfect, just forgiven. Don't worry about saving the world, just wake up in the morning and say, "Lord, what do you want me to do today?" If you can lay your head down at night, confident in the fact that you've done all you could do that day, then you are a winner, an overcomer, a conquerer in Christ.
Forgive my rambling, and please, do not hesitate to give any of us a shout-out when you feel down and out. Do NOT let Satan steal your life, because God has FAR too much in store for you, my brother, to simply give up and slip into a Godless eternity.
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